Wednesday, 23 November 2011
A couple of weeks ago somebody I haven't known for long asked after Elin. She is a very religious person and attends Church regularly, unlike me on both counts. But I have to have total respect for her faith. Bad things have befallen her and she still has this unwavering faith. My feelings on this subject vary between scorn and envy. It is hard to believe in a God that is merciful and kind and good when you have to deal with things that test you to your very core. When you see evil people and awful parents and people who don't give a shit dragging up five perfectly healthy children and you wonder...why? Seriously why? I have never been deeply religious but when I got pregnant it seemed such a miracle to me that I prayed every single night of my pregnancy without fail. I felt stupid at first but then I got used to it and I started to think yeah, maybe someone is listening. Im pregnant after all despite the odds. Maybe there is a God. Maybe He is good, maybe He performs miracles. Then Elin was born and I felt like this God I had persuaded myself to believe in had thrown a massive egg on my face. Where was He? Where had he been, why wasn't Elin the healthy baby I prayed for? We nearly lost her, how could He let this happen? I know what a believer would say. A believer would say he DID save her that night, because she is still here. A believer would say God only chooses special parents for special children. A believer would say God works in mysterious ways. But I could no longer believe. I was bitter and angry and resentful and started to think 'I knew it. I knew it was a load of balls'. I am well aware that this is not the point of faith, that it's not about just praying for what you want and throwing a major strop when you don't get it, but I just could not and cannot bring myself to think about it anymore. Too painful. Anyway, this lady asked how Elin was and I told her and she said 'Ah but God is Great. God performs miracles' . Just like that. Right there out of nowhere talking about God as if it's an absolute fact, as if she just assumed I believed. I expected to feel angry, but I didn't. You would think I might have wanted to say 'Oh yeah? He doesn't seem that great to me' because frankly, He doesn't. But instead I was just sort of in awe of this blind faith and what an amazing comfort that must be when you are going through hard times. She genuinely believed what she was saying, she was being kind because faith is all she knows. It must be equally alien to her that I might not believe as her all consuming love of God is for me. To be honest it makes me jealous I almost wish I had that. I wish I had a reason why this had to happen to my daughter. I wish I could think it was part of His master plan for me and for the Universe. Would that make it easier? Probably. But whilst the bitterness outweighs the envy I can't see me stomaching prayers again, not yet. Maybe I will start by watching Song's Of Praise again and see where I go from there......
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Elin is the happiest we have seen her in a while. It is wonderful. There is simply no better feeling in the world. She is smiling and talking away to her hearts content. It is my favourite sound. I will never, never give up that one day she might say 'Mum'. But for now her happy cooing and gurgling is enough. Tonight when I put her to bed after a fantastic day, she did not cry as usual. I put her owl with the glowing tummy in her eye-line and turned on her musical mouse. She laughed. I came downstairs, she was still giggling. I waited for the cries that accompany bedtime without fail, but they never came. When I checked on her a few minutes later she was fast asleep with one of her fists tightly holding onto the top of the duvet and her mass of curls poking out of the top, like an Angel, or a Cherub.Elin had literally laughed herself to sleep tonight.This makes my heart burst because I don't feel sorry for Elin tonight, like I often do. Tonight I don't wish for more for her than what she's got. After all- let's face it, I think there's a lot worse you could be in this life than tucked up in your duvet looking beautiful having had a lovely day with teachers and friends and family who love you and having just laughed yourself to sleep. Sounds pretty amazing to me :-)
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
Well, given just how worried we were at he time of my last blog post I can hardly believe the turn-around in Elin. A visit to hospital, a different antibiotic, an early 'up' with her epilepsy medication and 24 hours after our visit to hospital she was a different girl! She smiled on Saturday for the first time since the previous Tuesday- the relief in our house was palpable. It was like she had never been ill! And there was me mentally preparing for overnight stays and possible trips to Alder Hey! Despite it being a very difficult week, it's like anything- I have to take the positive's from it. And the positive from this is that it just goes to show you never know how quickly Elin will rally, even when things are looking bad. The morale of the story is therefore in the face of adversity, Keep Calm and Carry On. :-)
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